A new day without Crystal Ann

  Today has been 83 days since my daughter was taken from our lives.  It is a time of strong reflection.
Sometimes it is difficult to just make it through the day.  Others it is not.  At this stage in my life, I cannot tell you what my age is nor my real hair color.  I know i do not feel old other than aches and pains that accompany life. I know my hair under the dye is almost white.
  Losing my daughter has been the greatest difficulty and challenge of my life.  It has also caused a great awakening in me.  I now realize, I am important.  My ideas and my life are important.  I am a wife,daughter, sister, mother and grandmother.  Nothing else matters.  I will forever protect the sacred realm of family.  That is not saying I will be involved in their lives or their decisions. I will not bend over to kiss their ass nor allow my self to be hurt by their selfish bull shit.  I have no time for this.  Nor the energy to waste on people who will never change.  Instead I will pray for them and leave it in Gods hands. Does that mean I will not think of them often?  No.  It means, I will tolerate the differences, without forcing my views on them. If they have to learn the hard way, so be it.  I will either be here when asked for help or not (it may be to late.)  Love the ones who allow it and the ones who don't.
  Through reflection, I realize it does not matter.  My age is a number and my hair color, who cares.  Neither of these define who I am. I also realize people will have a difference of opinions.  And friends will either be a true friend or a half ass friend.  I do not care if I have one friend or 100. As long as they are true friends.   That is not why I am here.  I am here to do Gods work, not get involved in other peoples unchangeable drama. That is between them and God. By unchangeable I mean, you have been shown the path to better living and time and again you keep following the same path, and complaining about the same thing time and again, without fixing it or even attempting to fix it.   If asked directly, I will give my opinion, not what you want to hear.  I do not sugar coat what I see.  It is what it is.     Take it or leave it.
   Since my daughters death, I have gone back to college to finish my degree.  I am so happy to have a distraction.  My time is limited with my studies and that is truly a blessing. Not saying I do not get sad. Not saying I do not miss Crystal  Ann Aday with every ounce of my being. Not saying I do not cry when i realize she should be here for her children's milestones and moments in life.
  Now I am going to blow off a little steam.  Get it out of my system and move on. 
   I recently went begrudgingly to a birthday party for one of Crystal's children.  There was little family.  Well there was 3 aunts,  3 cousins, 1 grandpa and one grandpa.  The rest were his new family (Brians) family and Christy's friends. Christys ex can take them, Christys ex inlaws can take them, Christy's friends can take them, Brian's mom and dad can take them, Pam can take them.  We  (grandma and grandpa) are refused, the only people who have been a constant in their life until Christy took the kids.  We are only allowed to participate in gift giving events. Hum, yep buying a gift represents love.  Where the hell did this child learn this? Surely not from me.  And what is Crystal's children being taught.  That people are disposable.  That they can and will be replaced and that it is OK.    We have not been given pictures of the kids in almost two years.    I am such a horrible person in Christy's eyes.  I brought her into this world.   I was all she had.  Did I make mistakes yep.  Kids don't come with instruction manuals.  Did they thrive? Yes  Are they smart? Yes or should I say they were.  But I am nothing to them and that's OK.   Their loss I am strong and alone is fine with me. They will be the one's crying oh if only i had......  Just like with Crystal.  
  Note: These are my feeling and impressions of the situations.  Until proven otherwise they will remain so.   So Today I have chosen to step out of their life. I will not be apart of the circus.    I am tired of being angry and hurt. I am tired of trying and I am tired of letting other people control my life on their terms.  I am choosing to go with God and let the chips fall where they may.  I will always be there in spirit. This is the beginning of my new life.